Black is Back

Well, I started this blog in 2007, and here I am, FINALLY writing again.  Granted, a lot has changed about me and my life in these years past, as it has for many of us the word *TRANSFORMATION* is putting it mildly, but 10 years ago, there’s no way I would have guessed that this is where I was headed.  My Spirit has moved me in infinite measures in my belief systems, living situations, my health & cellular structure, familial orientation, and major career changes have all reciprocatingly taken place to the highest degrees possible for my well being. My Spirit, psyche, physical body have shifted into an entirely new way of Be-ing in which explorations of social standing, familial tribal systems vs. nuclear systems, child rearing within these ideals have been thrown up, examined, turned inside out, shook off, regurgitated and lovingly re-fed to a new baby bird being which I ReBirthed and call my Soul who has proven that Fire is a test karmically that I have become accustomed to, welcomed, and learned in this lifetime to balance with Earth and douse with not too much Water.  

A Goddess who has helped me through all this transformation is a little known Hindu deity: Akhilandeshvari or The Goddess of Never Not Broken. 

She’s not necessarily one who you’d happily bring home to meet your Mom.  A bit of a hot mess, completely uncontrollable, changeable by nature and one that you’ve met in dark alleys,  on the floor at parties, & in emergency rooms.  She’s loved you and then left you, riding off on Her alligator, all in touch with her reptilian self, so much that she RIDES it, blessing it all, the good and the bad while others are left battling theirs with sword and shield.  

I dare say she is the Matron Goddess of our current time, just as once the Virgen de Guadelupe was a healing balm for so many, this fiery Goddess steps it up a few and welcomes the cataclysmic disarray of our heart, the holographic novella of our world, embracing the Earth which is shifting and re-Evolving at such a fast rate within her chaotic embrace.  Akhilandeshvari knows that within the breaking of the structure, if an allowance of flow is accepted, the ride that takes place is a wild initiation that is at times painful and scary, but if we don’t bail too quickly the process is empowering and fantastical, all via good ol’ Pain and Suffering, intermingling to create a heady cocktail with Pleasure and Joy.

As I always say, there’s a fine line between S & M.

And my experiences leading up to my moments of Brokenness have been many in my lifetime often involve family and fate, and in return deeply affected my health since I was very young.  A  deep self hatred ran through my being until just recently where I realized that the sum of these experiences has given me my scope and vision into the Heart of the human race, endless amounts of inspiration to create art, and reignited my passion for Life at each so called terrible turn.  It's in that space of meeting where Akhilandeshvari has shown up, with the ability to find joyfullness within the grief, suffering, lack of control, aftermath, heartbreak, powerlessness, & confusion,

She transforms whatever  is handed to Her into a crystalline Pièce de résistance.

With one foot in this realm and one foot in the Spirit world, she’s a bit ethereal, as that’s where her Magick comes from, that’s the place to BE, otherwise this physical body get’s way too burnt to a crisp, and the Spirit could get lost out there in the ethers all alone, so She spins and weaves her way in and out of both realms, using bits of reality laced with just enough of the ghost world to make it a little thrilling, a little intriguing.  

This lil' lady is so in touch with her trauma and pain as tools that she uses them joyfully and purposefully to attain her own liberation. 

A true Goddess of the Dance knows that without some true sorrow, pain, and darkness, your dance ain’t worth jack shit.

Where would a true performance artist draw inspiration from if she never had to plumb the dark depths of pain?  And just because she’s been there, she’s no victim, nor is she the cause of these disasters unlike Kali the Destroyer, she just uses what she was handed in this life and reCreates it out of the ashes, a true Pheonix welcoming the change.

Indeed, She’s the one who has been with me while I’ve sobbed on the kitchen floor, thrown rocks with fervor into the River, and roared my frustrations into a pillow.  She reminds me of the light which travels through a prism, it’s beauty lies in how it is disseminated, refracted, creating a multifaceted, endlessly beautiful rainbow as long as light is present.  She is the promise of the Magick in those moments of great brokenness, broken heart, body, spirit, whatever it may be, She is the knowledge that:

When you have hit that rock bottom place, you have also hit the proverbial 
"X-marks the spot"

which without a visit first from Kali, you would have never found Akhilandeshvari,
so Jai Kali Ma!

I’ve found this quote by Pema Chodron to really resonate lately:

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."

I am full of gratitude for these moments in the theatre of my reality in which I chose the more difficult road in order to know the Way.  this has allowed me to let go of the word “Trauma” which is used so heavily in therapy and psychology today, and it was one which I  identified with as I was working through my life’s experiences within the realms of modern therapeutic means.  Much “talk therapy” has taken place throughout my life, which has been helpful in certain moments, but my Spirit knew all along that what I really needed was some time in meditation, some good Shamans and healers, Energy work, some Plant, Water and Earth medicine which Colorado has joyously and abundantly given me, and the permission to my Soul to return to my body via the enjoyment of it through dance, yoga, lovemaking, qui gong, and tai chi, healing work....The list continues to grow as I continue to  heal and fall in love with mySelf whom I have only started to get to know and love and become best friends with because of the choice to Unwrap the Gift of Pain, which with the Goddess Akhilandeshvari by my side, it’s not so bad after all.

Stay tuned for further adventures in my healing and explorations in the metaphysical as they intertwine with my Spiritual-reality as it aligns me in manifesting, artmaking, unschooling, natural parenting and more.